A Life-Changing Experience

Remember how I stated in the previous post that I often contradict myself? And in that same post I even went on to talk about how stupid internet journals are? Well I have a treat for you... yup that's right its a journal entry. Hopefully it doesn't come across as a journal entry but rather a study or even a look at a "failed-man".

When I was in school for art, I noticed on the wall a flyer for the Colleges Comedy Night. It featured a picture of "Dustin Diamond".
"Who the hell is Dustin Diamond?" I thought to myself as I looked at a picture of a strangely familiar man. "He looks a lot like Screech from "Saved by the Bell". I leaned in closer revealing to my amazement, "Holy shit! It IS Screech From Saved by the Bell and good Lord he looks bad". I am always skeptical of college stand up. But Screech and Stand up mixed together, "How can that fail?".

A bunch of us got together to see the show and one friend of mine was so excited and curious that he searched the internet the night before to find Screeches "secret material" he assured me that it was both sad and pathetic. So I went to the comedy night without expecting much, but I never imagined that the whole event would be a showcase for the "worlds greatest failure". We entered the room and sat down in the schools cafeteria, which is also cleverly called "The Cage" when they move some of the big lunch tables allowing the shit-tastic room to transform into a majestic dance club. Suddenly the lights dim and a student with a microphone steps out on stage;

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen to The Cages comedy night. We have a special treat for you this evening as Dustin Diamond a touring comedian has graced us with his presence, you may know him as "Screech" from the late 80's early 90's television show "Saved by the Bell" Please welcome DUUUUUUUUUSSSTIN DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAMOND!!!!!!!!!!"

At that moment Screech hastily walks through the aisle from the back, like a boxer would enter the ring. I am almost sure he was with an entourage of body guards or something, most likely because someone always tries to kill him anywhere he goes.
Everyone looks over their shoulders to get a glimpse of screech. The initial responses upon seeing the washed up celebrity was "holy shit he's fucking fat, or "jeez he looks bad" most of the girls would just say "oh....my.....God" and then immediately follow it up with giggling. We were all excited to see a celebrity even if it was a bottom of the barrel, washed up, out of shape, beaten down, gimmicky, child star.

Screech steps up to the stage and grabs the microphone like a true professional, confident comic would. Before he can even get a word in someone from the back yells:

"where is Kelly???!!!!!"

To which the bad-ass screech replies:
"I fucked her"
maybe 3 or 4 people scream in the back "YAAAAAAAAAAAA" not because what he said was funny but most likely due to the fact that he said "fuck"

This event happened maybe four years ago so I will try my best to recount everything.

"how's everybody doing?"

Some people yell "WOOOOOOOOOOOO"

"Yeah I'm not doing too well these days, its hard for me to find work. I'm pretty broke."
At this point I don't know whether this is a joke or he is just publicly shitting on himself.

"I have appeared on some shitty informational's and I was on celebrity boxing, did anyone catch that?"
A couple of people yell "WOooooo"


In case you missed celebrity boxing when it was on. Samuel "Screech powers" faced off against Ron Palillo who played Arnold Horshack from the 1975 show "Welcome Back Kotter". Basically what you missed was an washed up, bloated, pathetic "Screech" beating on a decrepit old man. Once he knocked the old man down he danced around like Muhammad Ali, however if "Screech" had to fight someone who didn't require assistance to wipe their own ass, he would have been knocked out for sure.

"yeah I won the celebrity boxing, but I don't want to talk about it, I'm not too proud of how things went down"
After hearing this I turn to the girl sitting beside me and inform her "He beat up an old man!"

Now he moves on with his material. "Yea, I smoke weed".
This causes maybe one person to yell from the back "Yaaaaaaaaaa"

'Wow,' I think, 'Screech seems to follow the classic format of every failed comic out there. He doesn't so much as tell jokes but tries to relate to the crowd by stating how he smokes pot, and fucks chicks!!!'. To a 9 year old his performance is totally rad
to the max!

Okay here comes his jokes, finally. That one person that yelled 'Yaaa' gave him some energy to keep going. " You ever notice, when your smoking weed you want to save as much "weed" smoke as you can? Your friends start blowing out smoke from the bong and you run around the room sucking up the smoke?"

This joke requires a visual that I can't provide here of him running in circles on stage sucking up imaginary smoke. If you saw it, you would shit in your pants from the sheer hilarity. Something must have been wrong with the audience however because as he ran around he was with still silence.

" You guys probably grew up smoking weed while watching 'Saved by the Bell' didn't you?"
Two guys standing in the back answer his question to the audience with a loud "BOOOOOOOOOO".
I can tell by the expression on his face that he is thrown back a bit by the response as he ponders over how his time-tested material is not working. He uses his quick wits, which is essential in his field, to recover himself by saying

"Hey fuck you! Okay. Shut the fuck up!

Since "Screech" seems to be the master of transitions- he magically moves from telling the crowd to "Shut the fuck up" to beginning to tell us how he once lived with a girl.

"Ya I lived with a girl for about a year, and there are some things that I noticed that you women don't want us men to know."
After hearing this some of the people start perking up with interest, but all the women begin groaning.

"One thing that you women do when you go to the bathroom is when you go pee there is always pee that is left over and drips out, I call it a drippy pussy"
I'm serious, that's his joke. As soon as the joke leaves his lips most of the women scream in defense.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?????" I believe this was what they actually yelled at him. This revolt scared the proud Screech and on his feet he tried to save his own ass..

"Don't worry women I'm sure your also aware of or have experienced some 'drippy penises'"
Dead silence.

"Let me tell you something else. I have found that women have some of the loudest farts"
The women sitting next to me scream "WE DO NOT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!"

After being schooled by most of the females in the audience, Screech's dignity self-defense mechanism kicks in and he stares blankly into the crowd. Someone in the back yells out
"SCREECH YOU FUCKING SUCK"

This is the last straw and Dustin immediately reacts

"Hey!!!, who fucking said that?. Come up here, I dare you I will mess you up so bad. You will have to go home and tell your friends that you got fucked up by Screech. I'm down and dirty man, I will fucking bite and scratch, everything."
He then brings up the event that apparently brings great personal shame and uses it as a weapon.


"I was on Celebrity Boxer man, I will kill you!"

This is the point that I pray "If there is a God let the heckler walk on stage and beat the shit out of Screech". Not because I like violence or have any contempt for Dustin Diamond, but to see a comedy show so bad that it actually turns into a UFC match. It would be truely inspirational. Also to see Screech get his ass handed to him after he publicly asked for it.


Unfortunately Screech continues with his comedy, desperately trying to conclude his unorganized shitty material. He goes on to talk about clothing from the 80's, such as the 'Hammer' pants that people wear and how they really think there cool. In order to truly make fun of them he stretches his own pants out and parades around on stage like Goofy with retarded, wormy facial expressions. Sadly this is the most laughs he has received all night. He basks in it, but what he fails to realize is that the audience is laughing at how truly pathetic he is. Through the laughter I can hear people saying "Oh my God" or "What a fucking loser".

The flyer said it was 'An hour with Screech' but after 38 minutes Dustin Diamond says:

"Thanks everyone! If you want any autographs I will be beside the stage signing. I also have "Saved by the Bell" scripts for sale if anyone wants some.

After he jumps off stage, plugging merchandise for a moment in his life that he is allegedly ashamed of, we all go home shocked at the horror's we witnessed that night.