A Life-Changing Experience

Remember how I stated in the previous post that I often contradict myself? And in that same post I even went on to talk about how stupid internet journals are? Well I have a treat for you... yup that's right its a journal entry. Hopefully it doesn't come across as a journal entry but rather a study or even a look at a "failed-man".

When I was in school for art, I noticed on the wall a flyer for the Colleges Comedy Night. It featured a picture of "Dustin Diamond".
"Who the hell is Dustin Diamond?" I thought to myself as I looked at a picture of a strangely familiar man. "He looks a lot like Screech from "Saved by the Bell". I leaned in closer revealing to my amazement, "Holy shit! It IS Screech From Saved by the Bell and good Lord he looks bad". I am always skeptical of college stand up. But Screech and Stand up mixed together, "How can that fail?".

A bunch of us got together to see the show and one friend of mine was so excited and curious that he searched the internet the night before to find Screeches "secret material" he assured me that it was both sad and pathetic. So I went to the comedy night without expecting much, but I never imagined that the whole event would be a showcase for the "worlds greatest failure". We entered the room and sat down in the schools cafeteria, which is also cleverly called "The Cage" when they move some of the big lunch tables allowing the shit-tastic room to transform into a majestic dance club. Suddenly the lights dim and a student with a microphone steps out on stage;

"Welcome ladies and gentlemen to The Cages comedy night. We have a special treat for you this evening as Dustin Diamond a touring comedian has graced us with his presence, you may know him as "Screech" from the late 80's early 90's television show "Saved by the Bell" Please welcome DUUUUUUUUUSSSTIN DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIAAAAMOND!!!!!!!!!!"

At that moment Screech hastily walks through the aisle from the back, like a boxer would enter the ring. I am almost sure he was with an entourage of body guards or something, most likely because someone always tries to kill him anywhere he goes.
Everyone looks over their shoulders to get a glimpse of screech. The initial responses upon seeing the washed up celebrity was "holy shit he's fucking fat, or "jeez he looks bad" most of the girls would just say "oh....my.....God" and then immediately follow it up with giggling. We were all excited to see a celebrity even if it was a bottom of the barrel, washed up, out of shape, beaten down, gimmicky, child star.

Screech steps up to the stage and grabs the microphone like a true professional, confident comic would. Before he can even get a word in someone from the back yells:

"where is Kelly???!!!!!"

To which the bad-ass screech replies:
"I fucked her"
maybe 3 or 4 people scream in the back "YAAAAAAAAAAAA" not because what he said was funny but most likely due to the fact that he said "fuck"

This event happened maybe four years ago so I will try my best to recount everything.

"how's everybody doing?"

Some people yell "WOOOOOOOOOOOO"

"Yeah I'm not doing too well these days, its hard for me to find work. I'm pretty broke."
At this point I don't know whether this is a joke or he is just publicly shitting on himself.

"I have appeared on some shitty informational's and I was on celebrity boxing, did anyone catch that?"
A couple of people yell "WOooooo"


In case you missed celebrity boxing when it was on. Samuel "Screech powers" faced off against Ron Palillo who played Arnold Horshack from the 1975 show "Welcome Back Kotter". Basically what you missed was an washed up, bloated, pathetic "Screech" beating on a decrepit old man. Once he knocked the old man down he danced around like Muhammad Ali, however if "Screech" had to fight someone who didn't require assistance to wipe their own ass, he would have been knocked out for sure.

"yeah I won the celebrity boxing, but I don't want to talk about it, I'm not too proud of how things went down"
After hearing this I turn to the girl sitting beside me and inform her "He beat up an old man!"

Now he moves on with his material. "Yea, I smoke weed".
This causes maybe one person to yell from the back "Yaaaaaaaaaa"

'Wow,' I think, 'Screech seems to follow the classic format of every failed comic out there. He doesn't so much as tell jokes but tries to relate to the crowd by stating how he smokes pot, and fucks chicks!!!'. To a 9 year old his performance is totally rad
to the max!

Okay here comes his jokes, finally. That one person that yelled 'Yaaa' gave him some energy to keep going. " You ever notice, when your smoking weed you want to save as much "weed" smoke as you can? Your friends start blowing out smoke from the bong and you run around the room sucking up the smoke?"

This joke requires a visual that I can't provide here of him running in circles on stage sucking up imaginary smoke. If you saw it, you would shit in your pants from the sheer hilarity. Something must have been wrong with the audience however because as he ran around he was with still silence.

" You guys probably grew up smoking weed while watching 'Saved by the Bell' didn't you?"
Two guys standing in the back answer his question to the audience with a loud "BOOOOOOOOOO".
I can tell by the expression on his face that he is thrown back a bit by the response as he ponders over how his time-tested material is not working. He uses his quick wits, which is essential in his field, to recover himself by saying

"Hey fuck you! Okay. Shut the fuck up!

Since "Screech" seems to be the master of transitions- he magically moves from telling the crowd to "Shut the fuck up" to beginning to tell us how he once lived with a girl.

"Ya I lived with a girl for about a year, and there are some things that I noticed that you women don't want us men to know."
After hearing this some of the people start perking up with interest, but all the women begin groaning.

"One thing that you women do when you go to the bathroom is when you go pee there is always pee that is left over and drips out, I call it a drippy pussy"
I'm serious, that's his joke. As soon as the joke leaves his lips most of the women scream in defense.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?????" I believe this was what they actually yelled at him. This revolt scared the proud Screech and on his feet he tried to save his own ass..

"Don't worry women I'm sure your also aware of or have experienced some 'drippy penises'"
Dead silence.

"Let me tell you something else. I have found that women have some of the loudest farts"
The women sitting next to me scream "WE DO NOT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!!"

After being schooled by most of the females in the audience, Screech's dignity self-defense mechanism kicks in and he stares blankly into the crowd. Someone in the back yells out
"SCREECH YOU FUCKING SUCK"

This is the last straw and Dustin immediately reacts

"Hey!!!, who fucking said that?. Come up here, I dare you I will mess you up so bad. You will have to go home and tell your friends that you got fucked up by Screech. I'm down and dirty man, I will fucking bite and scratch, everything."
He then brings up the event that apparently brings great personal shame and uses it as a weapon.


"I was on Celebrity Boxer man, I will kill you!"

This is the point that I pray "If there is a God let the heckler walk on stage and beat the shit out of Screech". Not because I like violence or have any contempt for Dustin Diamond, but to see a comedy show so bad that it actually turns into a UFC match. It would be truely inspirational. Also to see Screech get his ass handed to him after he publicly asked for it.


Unfortunately Screech continues with his comedy, desperately trying to conclude his unorganized shitty material. He goes on to talk about clothing from the 80's, such as the 'Hammer' pants that people wear and how they really think there cool. In order to truly make fun of them he stretches his own pants out and parades around on stage like Goofy with retarded, wormy facial expressions. Sadly this is the most laughs he has received all night. He basks in it, but what he fails to realize is that the audience is laughing at how truly pathetic he is. Through the laughter I can hear people saying "Oh my God" or "What a fucking loser".

The flyer said it was 'An hour with Screech' but after 38 minutes Dustin Diamond says:

"Thanks everyone! If you want any autographs I will be beside the stage signing. I also have "Saved by the Bell" scripts for sale if anyone wants some.

After he jumps off stage, plugging merchandise for a moment in his life that he is allegedly ashamed of, we all go home shocked at the horror's we witnessed that night.

Journals are Fucking Gay

I realize right now that I constantly contradict my actions and my beliefs but that does not deter me from speaking out against things that I even once partook in. Things such as:

Journals or even more specifically LiveJournals
Right off the bat journals are extremely boring and irrelevant, unless your a celebrity traveling the world to fight some kind of disease and your going to adapt your writings into a Hollywood feel-good blockbuster movie. It would seem that a lot of people believe that their entries of everyday mundane events will inspire, amuse, and touch the people of the world. Supposedly writing about oneself helps:
-the person to cope with emotion and anxiety
-reflect upon issues or situations in their lives -
-keep tabs on how they have overcome obstacles, grown as an individual, and adapted in modern society.

I was forced at gunpoint in grade seven to keep a journal in writing class. I filled a book and it still sits in my house unread and covered with dust. Just for this occasion however I will read a passage, so you can bask in the relevance that is my life.

" Today I had a math test, I feel major bummed about it, however, tonight I have a date with Sara. Sara is totally rad to the max!. We are gonna watch the Mask, I find Jim Carry to be quite a funny man, he makes me laugh, one time I laughed so hard that I pissed and shit myself at the same time. I think funny people are cooler than not so funny people etc. etc."

Now imagine if I was pretentious and egotistical enough to think that people really wanna hear about this. Sadly this post is more eventful than most found on internet journal sites. My entry already has me going on a date and mentions me pissing and defecating on myself at the same time. Unfortunately most of the entries out there resemble something like this.

May 20th 2003
Mood- "Sad as always, but more sad now than I usually am"
Listening to- Mixed CD with Creed and Coldplay

"Today I went and got a bagel, I find the Tim Hortons bagels are not as good as they used to be, The worst travesty was the other day when this mindless punk kid only buttered half my bagel, what the hell? I'm paying with my own parents money and they're not even going to butter the entire surface of the bagel =( I ate it anyway cause I didn't want to make a scene with people behind me but It still bugs me, Oh yea I forgot to write the entry but yesterday I farted!. XD. Well I'm off to play some online RPG. Keep reading and I will keep writing"

or

April 20th 2001
Mood-Lonely
Listening to-"Lightening Crashes" on constant repeat for 8 hours


"Man, I still haven't found a boyfriend. I felt a strong connection with this one guy that kind of looked in my direction when I was in the bookstore. He probably doesn't even know I exist and besides I don't know if he will ever come back to that particular store. Hoping he would return and pick up "Gaining self confidence for Idiots", I have waited in the same self-help section for 3 days now. When I see him again I am very tempted to just come right out in the open and confess how much I have been thinking about him. I am tired of lying awake all night pondering over his many mind games. How can he just outwardly flirt like that with me and then leave with out ever contacting me. I mean he almost looked at me for christs sake!!, doesnt he feel some kind of obligation to at least follow it up with talking to me???. Doesnt he Fucking Care???. Aaaaargh!!! I just don't understand men.
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I just find the entire self-indulgent community to be meaningless and retarded. I am not trying to pretend that I am above them as well. There have been weaker times in my life when I wrote in one. Fortunately I have steered away from the self-loathing or self-righteous communities and found an outlet in the world of highly-opinionated, biased, pop-ridden blogs.

The truth about the Breakfast Club

When Judd Nelson dies, the only notable achievement that will be addressed at his funeral is "Bender". Although I truly love this classic teen film, something never quite sat right for me. On the surface this is a warm hearted look at the interaction between five different teenager class types: the jock, the prom queen, the nerd, the weird girl, and the juvenile/criminal. The exterior of the film has a concluding message that although we seem very different everyone has a lot of the same problems/ concerns/ faults/ etc. Therefore we should except people for who they really are inside and not be so caught up with superficial beliefs.

To the untrained eye the movie appears to present that underlined message, but if you have trained for years as I have, you will notice that the movie contradicts its morals by taking a big steaming shit on its own chest. If you watch closely in the last half hour of the movie you will notice how truly evil all the characters are. At the point that all of the kids are reasonably open and close to one another, the nerdlinger Bryan confesses his anxiety at school and describes one incident where he brought a gun to school. Although we learn that the weapon is actually a flare gun, it is still somewhat serious matter, that a nerd got so upset failing a class that he was going to make things right by holding his teacher at gunpoint with a prop. However the friendly group dismiss Bryans problem with laughter so they can continue questioning Claire if she has ever been porked. Claire later admits that despite everything the group has been through together she will never be able to be friends with anyone due to the pressures of social status. Near the end of the movie however everyone seems to break the chains of social imagery and accepts everyone for the wonderful people that they are inside. Claire uses her mad cosmetic skills to make Allison ( the independent spirit ) into something that Claire feels she can be seen with in public. When Allison walks back into the detention room, looking like everything she hates, the jock then accepts her as now being "penetraitable". He now begins to talk to her and show her attention. After a job well done at destroying another girls individuality, Claire demands respect from the bad-ass that has been taunting her for the duration of the movie. She uses what she has and makes out with him ( that is one way to show someone that you are not the self-centered, shallow bimbo they thought you were).
Claire embarks on a relationship with someone just so she can shut him up about how awful of a person she is. Everyone leaves detention with a new gal on their arm, except the nerd of course. He remains alone as always, as the group leaves their true friend to write all their papers for them.

Snakes on A plane

Holy Fucken Shit if you havent seen this trailer do so now. I was once worried that hollywood was running out of ideas for movies but this has set me straight. Snakes on a plane stars the one man that is even more bad ass then snakes: Samuel "The snake eater" Jackson. This movie shows a glimpse into the future for us, as it details Al Queda's next move against the United States. Putting snakes on a plane. Unfortunately the terrorists didnt suspect that the baddest motherfucker on the planet would be on this particular flight.

Watch in amazement as Samuel whips snakes around by there tail while saying something really cool, I think theres a shot of him even punching one in the face. Take that candy-ass snake, in your face snake!!!. All this movie needs is either Jean-Claude-Van Damme or Steven Seagall to assist in the extermination of airborne plane snakes. I am definitely going to see this as it mends together two of my favourite genres: snake films, and plane films.
http://www.tagworld.com/snakesonaplane

Happy St. Whacking Day

Ahh St. Patrick’s Day. The wonderful day that we solute our Irish brothers by drinking green beer and pissing in the streets. Upon finding out that today was in fact St. Patrick’s Day I did some investigating into how Irish this holiday really is? Oh and please don’t yell and scream at me about what I have written as this is purely and opinionated article.

The Folk Lore tale of the Great Saint Patrick.

Saint Patrick was born in Britain to a wealthy family. His father was a Christian deacon and it is suggested his focus was more on tax incentives rather than religious belief. Interestingly enough, there is no evidence that supports Saint Patrick coming from a religious family. At the age of sixteen, Patrick was taken prisoner by a bunch of scary, immoral, ruthless "Irish raiders" who were attacking his family estate. Patrick was taken back to Ireland where he spent six years in captivity. Lucky for the Saint, as the Irish were kind enough to give him work in the field he loves. Saint Patrick's was assigned "shepherd" and he we worked outdoors away from people. Lone and afraid Saint Patrick turned to his religion for solace, asking it questions, or just playing around in the field some days with it, allowed the man to remain sane. He quickly became a devout Christian. As a devout Christian St. Patrick spent most of his days carving up different ways to save his captors souls by converting them to Christianity. This would turn them away from the Dark side of Paganism.

After more than six years as a prisoner, Patrick escaped. According to the Saints scripture a voice, he believed to be gods, spoke to him and instructed him it was time to leave Ireland. Which is very close to my life changing experience: in which god spoke to me, one morning and instructed me it was time to finish eating my bagel. When Patrick got back to his safe welcoming Britain another revelation occurred. An angel came down from the heavens to talk to Patrick. She instructed him to return to Ireland as a missionary. After obtaining 15 years of heavy religious training and his ordination as a priest he is sent to Ireland to minister to Christians already living in Ireland and to convert the Irish brutes. Its very interesting to note that this tale completely contradicts the very notion that St. Patrick brought Christianity to Ireland. Saint Patrick truly honored the Irish through paying tribute to their old primitive beliefs, Patrick cleverly harmonized everything by putting a circle around the center of the cross which represents a very powerful Irish symbol-the sun. The legendary Saint Patrick became one with the forces of nature on March 17 460A.D.

The Legend of Saint Patrick Chasing The Snakes Out Of Ireland
It is said that Saint Patrick stood on a hilltop now called "Croagh Patrick" and with a wooden stick fought a brave-heart like battle of epic proportions... thus abolishing all snakes from Ireland. It just so happens that the island nation never supported snake life. When they said snakes what they really meant was pagan ideology from Ireland because 200 years after Patrick’s arrival Ireland was fully Christianized.

The Leprechauns role in St. Patrick’s Day

The original Irish name for these folklore creatures is "lobarcin" meaning "small bodied fellows"
The belief in Leprechauns stems from old Celtic belief in fairies: tiny men and women that could use their magical powers to serve good or evil. Based on the old folktales Leprechauns were always cranky and fucking pissed off. They were also tricky devious bastards, which was an asset in the field of "protecting me treasure and gold". Leprechauns have absolutely nothing to do with Saint Patrick or the celebration of "St. Patrick’s day" a Catholic holy day. IN 1959 Walt Disney introduced America to a kind friendly Leprechaun in the film "Darby O Gill and the little people" a nice kind Leprechaun is purely an American invention that was quickly used to sell cereal and to pay tribute to their Irish brothers.

I’m amazed to this day that people have disciplined their selves enough to continue celebrating holidays thousands of years old. Our idea of what we are celebrating and what we are actually celebrating has always brought a smile to my face. For instance the idea of dressing up as a jolly Caucasian old man in red pajamas, stuffing your kids socks with gifts as you fool your children into believing in some weird psychotic man in a magical airborne slay, is the proper way to celebrate Christ’s mass. I also love the idea of dressing up as a bunny and leaving eggs throughout your house for your children to find believing that a gigantic, mutant-freak rabbit left them there for the sole purposes of their scavenger hunt. There is no better way to honor a man that died for your sins. Today I enjoyed finding out that a holiday in which we drink green beer is celebrating the American influence on Irish tradition and our perception of the true Irish.

I